Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
