ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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