And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
