if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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