HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
