nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
