tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
