i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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