Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
