I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
