i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
