Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Less talking, more tequila
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
