My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
