every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
