I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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