My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
