the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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