Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
