Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
