I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
