Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
