if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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