I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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