I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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