All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
3 2 1 whiskey
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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