Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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