I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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