I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Randomize
