Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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