I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
