i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
