So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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