i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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