so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
