Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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