When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
