I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
