and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
