i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
