listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
