Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
do herpes really smell.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize