How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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