Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
