Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
