I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
