How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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