fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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