I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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