i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
