Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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