Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
