My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
