If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I need to calm my uterus...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
