Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just cut my nipple shaving
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
