I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize