He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
