How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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