I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize