She is in my trunk
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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