If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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