She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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