My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
