A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
